The books I’m reading, the topics I’m studying, even this blog, are all investments I am making as I continue down the road of writing my first book. I don’t know if this will make sense to everyone, but I feel as if my book is in my belly. A few weeks ago I would say something like “my book is inside of me” while I’d place my palm on my belly. Now, the sensation is different. I feel like it’s growing side of me…like a baby. I can heart it’s heartbeat; I can feel it’s kicking; I can feel it changing what I look like. But, it’s too early for birth. It’s not fully developed. The difference between this book and a baby is that the book will be birthed not when it’s ready, but when I’m ready.
BE LOVE GO. It’s the tagline to our ministry, and it’s the name of our school. Be Love Go Academy. It’s a name give to my husband by God and essentially, it’s the motto of our lives. Before we go, we must be and we must be before we can love. There’s so much depth to that tagline that I can write a whole blogpost (or two) on it. I mention that because my heart’s desire that is that I BE before anything else. I don’t just want to teach, preach, or even serve if I’m not IT first. I grew up in a very religious environment that led me to become a very self-righteous judgmental person. I didn’t see it until I was out of that lifestyle…the truth is that many self-righteous people don’t even realize that they are. It’s a very hard trait to see in oneself.
It’s kinda funny because self-righteousness really has nothing to do with self. That’s why it’s so hard to identify. The person isn’t even thinking about self. They are thinking about others. What others need to do to improve or become better; these are the more optimistic self-righteous bunch. You also have the pessimistic ones; they tell others what’s wrong with them and how much punishment they deserve. Which one was I? Both.
The key word is WAS. Thank Jesus that I’ve been set free and overcoming that kind of mindset has given me a grace to discern and defeat it. Not in others, but myself.
The closer I get to releasing the book that is forming within me, the more I notice that this book, the baby that is developing inside me, is changing me. The research, the studying, the understanding, the knowledge, it’s all causing me to examine myself. It’s bringing awareness to the areas in my life that are falling short. It’s challenging me to walk the talk and practice what I preach – or am about to. The reality is that if I wait until I’m perfectly living out the topic of my book, I will never write it. Nonetheless, if I prematurely write my book before adjusting a few things in my life, there is a very great change of being a hypocrite.
When I’m asked what my book is about, my answer is always love. It makes me smile just writing that because there are so many books about love. It’s such a broad topic. One can go anywhere with that topic of love. There are so many dimensions and depths to love. Really the sky is the limit. So when I say I’m writing a book on love, it’s funny to me because that answer doesn’t mean much. At this point, I am closer to know the exact dimension of love I will be writing about, but my research isn’t limited to just that dimension. Love – it isn’t an easy topic to write about. It’s a simple word but it’s essence is complex. I’m having a hard time figuring out where to start; love really has no start or end; at least not one that can be articulated in a step.
Our summer began a little bumpy. Since I gave my life back to Christ 3 years ago, it was the most difficult circumstance I have faced. We were now presented with a circumstance that would put our transformation, learning, experiences, and teaching to the test. In an attempt to limit the size of this article, I both succeeded and failed. Again, love is a simple word with profound meaning and complex concepts. So, i succeeded and some and failed at others. I don’t take failing lightly. Some things I can dust myself off and “be better next time”. Other things, I have uncovered areas that I need healing in.
Jesus is changing my life through the journey of writing this book. The Holy Spirit has been leading me into deeper places that require me to assess my life and determine if the foundation and structure needs some work before I continue moving into deeper places. Moving into deeper places before I’m ready to cause a catastrophic collapse. I recognize that and it’s my responsibility to ensure I don’t prematurely go where I’m not supposed to. It’s brought me to a place where it appears that momentum has slowed and progress has halted – at least according to human standard. The perception of stagnation or defeat, however, the reality is that there is intense training going on. Proper nutrition is being ingested, strength training is occurring where muscles are being torn in order to produce more strength, more endurance is being developed as the heart is being worked on. And rest. During this intense training season, rest is essential to sustain the level of training and maintain health. I have to put up the sign “Sorry, Improvements Coming. Closed For Construction“. I will leave you with this quote from Brene Brown.
Crazy-busy is a great armor, it’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.
So, I’d love to hear from you. Do you ever struggle with slowing down enough to feel and deal with things in your life? Maybe it’s just me, but I have this strong feeling it’s not. I’d love to hear your experiences. Feel free to share a comment if you relate to this at all.
With lots of love,