Almost 1 year ago Mike and I went to a conference in Rochester. We had been waiting for this conference for many many many months. Seriously, it felt like forever. When the conference was close enough to actually start planning, we decided to make a trip out of it. So we did the touristy thing and visited Niagara Falls. Mike had never been and I had some bad memories I needed to replace, so it was the perfect idea.
Just thinking about the trip brings tears to my eyes. A few weeks before the conference, there was a risk of it being canceled. There were some not good things happening behind the scenes of the ministry leading to the conference. When the decision was made to move forward with the conference, we had a decision to make. Do we still go? Long story short, we both felt strongly (and I mean strongly) that we needed to be there.
From the moment we stepped foot in the church that was hosting the conference, I felt it. What did I feel? Ha! If I could put it into words I would, but suffice it to say that just the memory of it brings tears to my eyes and floods me with all sorts of emotions; all good by the way. I walked into a building where I knew no one, yet I felt at home. No one knew my name, yet we shared moments of tears and laughter; pain and joy. I felt at home. I felt like I was with family.
During one of the sessions, we were given seeds and asked to plant them (in the spirit of course). When I went up to grab my seed, I wound up with 2. They literally stuck to my thumb and pointer finger as I reached inside to grab the seed. I sat down in my chair and began asking God, My Father, what I should plant. It wasn’t a coincidence that I pulled 2 seeds. God needed me to plant those 2. What I didn’t know then, yet realized today was that those 2 things were tied together. I needed one for the other. That day I planted 2 seeds in God’s heart with my tears and my heart.
I have those 2 seeds in an envelope that I keep in one of my journals. As suggested, most people went outside and their prophetic act was to literally plant the seed in the ground outside the church. My experience with the entire situation was different, so I felt to do something different. I planted it in God’s heart and as a reminder of the act, I kept them. I’ve looked at it over the year and I’ve waited. I’ve expected. I believed that the prophetic act I did that day was real and it meant something. At times I would purposely select that one journal to look at the envelope to remind myself of the seeds I planted and the promises that God made to me that day. The envelope and seeds are a rainbow to me. A reminder of God’s promise over my life.
This week I saw someone ask on social media if there was a pumpkin patch outside the church the conference was held at. Obviously, it was meant to be comical because they were roasted pumpkin seeds. I read the comments, laughed, and remembered that I have my seeds. Realizing that the conference and the prophetic act was about one year ago, I did what I would expect myself to do. I went to my journal, went through all my momentos, and pulled the envelope with my seeds.
Over the last few weeks I have been going through what I would call a transition. There have been a lot of changes in my life, not bad, but change is change and I had to take a pause, reevaluate, and recalibrate. I guess I can say that I’m still in that pause because I’m still assessing my priorities and in the process of determining if it’s all even possible. I may have to drop more things than I originally anticipated. I bring this up because as I’m in this transition, I am learning. I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m studying…I’m learning. What’s hard to really say, much more describe, is how clearly I can see things. Yes, things all around me, but most importantly things within myself. I understand things that I seriously didn’t understand just a few weeks ago. I know things I have no way of knowing. I have the answer to things that I have no business knowing or no experience to know. Things just pop. They make sense…and what’s weird is that I can’t pinpoint when it happened, but at the same time it’s like it happened overnight.
As I’m defining my priorities for this next phase of life, obviously after God, my family is at the top of the list. Without going into it, I refuse to sacrifice my family at the altar of ministry. I have had to come to terms that I am in a phase of life where I have kids. I am a mom. I am a wife. That doesn’t make me less than or prohibit me from doing things. It’s actually a huge honor. If I can’t raise my kids, counsel my kids, love my kids, train my kids, support my kids, cheer my kids on, help them become adults, etc, then quite frankly, I have no business leading a ministry that requires me to counsel people and be a spiritual mother. If I can’t love my husband as Christ loves the Church and I can’t submit to him, honor him, and walk alongside him, then I have no business leading a ministry where people are involved.
I do have a full time job, that I have a love hate relationship with. It’s more love than hate, but it’s a career I have built with a company I have been employed by for 18 years. I have to mention that because, that naturally is a priority. It’s a responsibility in my life. A huge one that takes a good chunk of my time. It’s what helps pay the bills, support my family, fund my children’s extracurricular activities, provide vacations, and fund ministries. Normally, I wouldn’t include this in my list of priorities because subconsciously we think “I have no choice, I have to work”, but the reality is that I do have a choice and I choose to work. Therefore, it’s an important priority and one that drives my schedule.
My other huge priority in this next season of life is to FINALLY write the book that I’ve been saying I’m going to write for years. It’s very important to me and I know it’s important to God. He placed the desire in me. I shared in my other blog about how the book is in me and I’m ready, therefore, I need to honor that and make it a priority. One year ago, I felt that this moment would come, but I didn’t understand how the shift within me would feel or even what it would mean. Writing a book…I mean, really writing a book. Publishing a book that offers value, provides truth, and offers real advise backed by scripture and according to God’s heart requires a huge investment. An investment in time, money, and emotions. I don’t take this priority and responsibility lightly. It’s huge responsibility and that’s why I haven’t done it to date. But, as I mentioned in the blog from the other day, I feel it and I’m suddenly seeing things clearly. I know things. Everything makes sense. I see how complex things tie together and when I don’t, I’m able to see each strand clearly enough to pick a strand and start tracing it to the knotted bunch at the center and follow it all the way through.
I explain all this because almost one year later I pull my envelope from my journal with the seeds that I planted in God’s heart and I can’t help but see it sprouting. The pain of transition was because the seed was being cracked open and fighting it’s way through the dirt as it felt the pull of the sun’s energy. There were moments it was dark and suffocating, but the draw of the Son was an energy that i just couldn’t resist. I just knew that the Light was worth following. The sprout, oh so small, yet oh so satisfying. To witness something you planted in perfect soil finally sprout and make it’s presence known is magnificent. Humbling. Joyous.
That is why thinking about that conference brings tears to my eyes and evokes such deep emotion. A ministry that no longer exists made such a profound impact, not only in my life, but the life of my family. We had an opportunity to participate in what many considered “the end,” but to me, it wasn’t the end. It was just the beginning. (Again, the impact to the situation in that ministry wasn’t a direct hit to us, so our experience is very different from those more involved.) That day I planted seeds. The fruit being produced by these seeds are not seeds that will provide nourishment for a limited time, but as they were planted in God’s heart, they were planted along the river of Life where death doesn’t exist and fruit comes forth in EVERY season and for generations to come. Many are still reeling from the pain associated with the “end” of that ministry – and rightfully so, but I guess because I had a the luxury of not being intimately involved in that ministry, I was easily able to not associate the things I learned and the freedom that came from the teachings with the person who taught them. As a matter of fact, it was a great honor to meet him while we were in Rochester. I’m not a star struck person, but I was definitely very honored to run into him and have the privilege to speak with him AND speak life into him. That whole situation hurt, but my husband and I went to that conference completely compelled by God – for many reasons. But today the reason I share this with you is because of those seeds that were planted. Sweat, tears, and lots of work (internal and external) have been put into cultivating these seeds…and today I went to go take a look…and I see it. The sprout broke ground.
The baby sprout is still delicate and sensitive. It must be protected and taken care of with gentleness, but for now, I take joy and celebrate that it broke ground. There’s were recent moments where a sign from God was very clear and I could feel God was saying something, but I kept asking “what are you telling me?” Today I “think” I know what God was trying to tell me. Thank you Mr. Hawk for the message. =)
Is there anything (desires and purpose) that God has placed in your heart that seems to be frustrated? You know it’s from God. but you have faced obstacle after obstacle and just seems like it’ll never happen. I encourage you to prophetically grab some seeds and plant those purposes in God’s heart. I’d love to hear if you can relate to anything I have wrote. I’ve noticed that many are going through a transition season. Do you feel the same way? Share it in the comments.
With lots of love,