Why I Write

Well, this day just didn’t go accordingly to plan at all.  My office is closed until January 2, so I have some time off.  These last 2 weeks have been the most unpleasant weeks I’ve had since 2016 and I haven’t worked out since the 2nd week of December.  My self-esteem and confidence took a huge dip.  The lies, accusations, and attacks are a bit overwhelming. 

I’ve intentionally started my days just resting in my Heavenly Father’s presence as I sit outside observing nature in silence.  It seems that Psalms have been the method in which my Heavenly Daddio has been speaking to me. 

This morning I decided to start working out again.  But not before spending my quiet alone time with my Heavenly Daddy.  I started off with a 5k run.  I ran out to the marsh lands and spent some time there as I enjoyed the silence and watching the pelicans fly, hunt, and float.  On the way back, there was a basket on top of a fire hydrant.  It caught my attention and felt it was a gift from Him.  One day there was a painting sitting on the side of the road and every aspect of the photo, including the colors, had a meaning of what the Lord had been showing me through dreams and visions.

I saw the basket and thought “maybe that’s another gift,” but I just kept running thinking I was over thinking it.  I literally stopped in my tracks contemplating whether to go back for it and thought “nah, it’s just me overthinking it.  If I don’t take it, and it’s from God it’s not a big deal. It’s not that His blessings are dependent on whether or not I take that basket.”  So, I kept running.  I stopped, once again, and turned around to go grab the basket thinking “If God has a gift to me, I’d have to be insane to just run past it and not grab it.” The reality is that if it was just a random basket that happened to be on that fire hydrant, what’s the worst that would happen…I had to run home holding a basket, looking like a fool, for no reason. 

As I ran home with the basket, I was listening to random running Christian songs on YouTube.  As I turned the corner from St. Johns to Monument, the presence of God came upon me.  It was so strong I began crying.  All while holding a basket while running.  I’m sure that anyone who noticed thought I was a crazy nut, but I didn’t care.  His presence inundated me so strongly that I just knew grabbing that basket was a prophetic act that would bring abundance and victory.  It would be a basket that would symbolize something needed to hold the fruit being produced and soon to ripen.

I wish I could tell you that after that I received good news and completely understood what happened during my run; the meaning behind the basket and how it all came together.  The reality is that my day was filled with unexpected outcomes.  Nothing I had planned went according to plan.  I even called my husband and said “well, this was an epic fail.”. 

I thought I recovered by going with the flow and coming up with alternate plans, but the fact that I’m writing for my blog and not my book is proof is itself I sign that it didn’t go as planned.  Note: at first, I was going to say it was a fail, but I don’t want to say it’s a fail.  For days I’ve been allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my reading and writing, so I cannot doubt that this too is being led by the Holy Spirit.

Saying that I was delivered bad news is not accurate portrayal of my latest conversation.  However, it was a frustrating one.  When you can so clearly see evil at play, playing hard, and “seeming” strong, it can feel overwhelmingly defeating.  The need to defend truth and good can sometimes be so infuriating.  Why is it that someone can throw out lies and it’s up to good to defend itself? Because the truth is all that humanity needs is a seed of doubt to be thrown out for someone to align with evil. 

Jesus is King! Jesus is Light! Jesus is Truth!  Jesus is Just!

These are all things that I know, but when dealing with humans, why is it that it’s hard to just trust that?  The reason is because that’s what the enemy/satan/devil/evil wants.  He (they) throw enough at you to doubt Him.  To try and take matters into your own hands.  Think about it.  Isn’t that what happened with Eve in the Garden of Eden?  The snake just said enough to put a seed of doubt as to the intentions of God’s heart towards Adam and Eve.  He said enough to have her question if God was trustworthy.  He insinuated that maybe, just maybe, God was holding out.  That little seed was enough to have her put into question her doubt in her Creator and Father. 

What the snake manipulated Eve. 

Eve took that seed, doubted God’s Word, and chose to give more credence to the snake than to God.

To say I have never done this myself would be a lie.  To say that you have never done that would be a lie. 

But, what I can say is that my Father’s love has transformed my life and those seeds thrown out by the enemy seem to become more and more apparent as my relationship with Jesus depends.  The more I know who He is and I know my Father’s heart, the more it’s so blatantly obvious when the snake throws something out to me that’s meant to destroy my trust in my Father and Creator.

Jesus is King.  Jesus is Light!  Jesus is Truth!  Jesus is Just!

Anything that whispers contrary is to be placed into question. 

So, here I am; Sitting in a Japanese restaurant, for the last 3 hours, trying to write, not for this blog, but for my book, with no success – obviously.  Even with things not going as planned, I’ve spent all day in the presence of my Father, received deep revelation.  As controversial as it may be, I uttered words out of deep pain and cried in public, even while here in the restaurant.

As a church and ministry leader, I struggle.  I struggle with love those who don’t love me well.  I struggle with loving my enemies.  Jesus said I must love my enemies.  How would loving those who love me set me apart from everyone else?  I don’t know about you, but for me, in this moment, it sure is not an easy thing.  To love those who not only hate you, but devise plans against you rooted in evil.  I’ve prayed and declared God’s Word and promises over the life of me and my family.  Although I have hope and know that I must have patience in waiting for the victory, one would hope that such grand faith in Good would result in quick results.

I wish I could tell you that believing and having faith in God results in rapid results, but in this situation, in my life at this point moment, there’s nothing rapid about Good overcoming evil.  I wish it did and I wish I could tell you it does.  I can’t explain why or how, but that’s not always the case.  I wish I had a formula to provide you for how to overcome evil quickly, but I haven’t yet come across that formula.

What I have come across is Peace that SURPASSESS all understanding, which means, even when it doesn’t make sense, there is peace.  Which means, at times, it doesn’t make sense.  At times it’s dark, yet you have peace.  Sometimes the world is falling around you, but you have peace.  It doesn’t stop the world from falling.  It just gives you peace while it’s all falling.  Rivers that flow from within.

I’ll have to admit, there are moments where the chaos is so overwhelming that it’s hard to be aware of the peace.  When you have Jesus, the peace, however, is always there.  The question is, are you tapping into it?  Are you plugged into it?  Where is your heart?  What are you aligned with?  Where are you drawing your energy from? The world or Jesus?

Lately, it’s been an intentional act of not allowing the chaos in the world distract me from the promises of Jesus; The promises that aren’t dependent on the circumstances around me, but on who He is.

Here I am, writing to myself and reminding myself of the promises of Jesus.  The promise of who He is in my Life and what He has to offer me.  I’m reminding myself of who my eyes should be fixed upon and not to align with the evil I see going on. 

My computer is about to die, so I finish this post here, feeling much better than I did when I started writing this because Jesus is always my answer.  The epiphany after a day of epic writing fails is this: My writings are not for anyone other than Him and myself.  It’s my way of loving God, loving myself, and love others.  It’s one of the ways that I fulfill John 13:34. He’s been trying to show me this all day, I just didn’t pick up on it until now.

I end here, with tears in my eyes because my good, good Father is better than I think.  He’s so beautiful and loving that He speaks to me even through my own writings.  He’s funny that way.  He’s so good that way.

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