Triggers from Trauma

3 years ago, God pursued me in such a way that I found my knees in His presence in front of my stove while making breakfast. His love smothered me and the sound of prayers were audible. It was a moment that impacted my life forever. In those moments my life instantly changed, but really it was only the beginning.

Jesus has empowered me to heal, learn, and grow. There was encounters where I could physically feel deliverance and healing, but it was paired with a journey of transformation.

October is a month where breast cancer awareness is a focus, but is also a month where we bring awareness of domestic abuse. I was married to a man for 12 years who abused me. Physically he only touched (hit) me twice and only left marks on my neck once, but there was a time I was almost shot in the head. THAT was God’s hand over my life. He sexually abused me a handful of times. To me, worse than those things was the psychological and emotional abuse I endured all those years. The day my second daughter was born, he left the hospital to meet a women. I don’t know if he had cheated on me before that, but I now know that he lived a consistent life of adultery. I suddenly developed HPV and constantly dealt with bacterial vaginosis requiring me to live on antibiotics. The day I received evidence that my husband cheated on me was in February 2015 when the health department showed up at my door telling me I was exposed to syphilis.

I vividly remember the days I would throw myself at my ex’s feet begging that he take my to a psychiatric ward because I literally felt like I was losing my mind. I realize now it was the abuse, but when you are in the midst of abuse, you feel like it’s all your fault and you are crazy.

Jesus changed my radically changed my life when He encountered new in my kitchen, drawing me to my knees, embraced me with Love, and allowed me to hear the prayers of the many people who were praying for me. My life has never been the same, but it was only the beginning. That was 3 years ago and ever since I’ve gone through deliverance, healing, learning, and growth.

There were times I physically felt the deliverance and healing, but 3 years later I must admit that I am still healing from the trauma of being abused for so many years. I have very real triggers that set me off into a spiral of fear. Thankfully Jesus has been my center and I’m able to recover quickly, but the reality is I have those triggers and need healing from those.

There are moments where memories flood my mind, even things that I had completely blocked off and forgotten. Memories that are so vivid, that as I recall the memory it feels like I’m presently living in it and can feel every emotion. I’ve learned to instantly set my mind on Jesus, but nonetheless, I have those very real and painful moments.

I struggle like everyone else. It’s very rare that I share my story because I really hate to feel like a victim or have others view me as one, but lately I’ve also realized part of the reason I don’t like to share is because I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of the choices I made and that I allowed myself to be in that situation for so long.

There are women suffering in silence because of shame. Yes, fear, but also shame. 5 years after I had the courage to say “no more” and left that abusive relationship, I still find myself in painful moments of memories and situations that trigger unpleasant emotions, BUT I’m free. I got out. I’ve been healed and am in the process of healing. It’s a million times better than staying in an abusive relationship. Love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Know that you are worth perfect love and being treated like a queen. And if you struggle believing that, then trust someone who loves you enough to confide in them. Let them believe for you until you believe it yourself.

I have triggers that stem from trauma, but there will be a day where they will ALL be gone. In the meantime, I’m keeping my eyes on Jesus knowing that He will finish the work He began in me.

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